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Save the Kiwi

Published July 20th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

Robin Capper of RobiNZ, a resident of New Zealand, wrote the following article on his website and has granted me permission to republish it here. In the following text, Robin asks his country’s conservation officials if anyone has carried out the Kiwi Motivation Test, as described in the Gospel of the FSM. He manages to get a reply and responds again. Enjoy. -bobby


Save the Kiwi (Apteryx) from the Flying Spaghetti Monster Kiwi Motivation Test

How could the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) threaten our national icon, the New Zealand Kiwi (Apteryx)?

This submission to a well recognized Government Conservation Agency explains it all:

I’m currently reading “The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” by Bobby Henderson.

It’s the official gospel of the deity known as the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” (FSM) and gives the true story of creation from it’s beginning 5000 years ago to today. While that time period and the process may not quite agree with accepted scientific theory it gives convincing explanations for these anomalies.

Creation, the Big Bang, Dinosaurs, Fossils, Red Shifted Stars, Quantum Physics, String Theory – more correctly spaghetti theory – and the process incorrectly attributed to Evolution are integrated into a total world view guided by the unseen touch of the FSM’s Noodly Tentacles.

It’s a wonderful book that will result in many converting to “Pastafarianism” but there is a risk. I’m concerned non-believers trying to disprove Pastafarianism may impact our threatened national icon – the Kiwi.

The reason for this is material that appears on pages 47 & 48. Its a rebuttal of Evolution titled “Kiwi Birds: Flight-less?”.

It explains the Kiwis inability to fly, conventionally attributed to environmental aspects like plentiful ground feed and a lack of predators, is not proven. Prophet Bobby states that in addition to being spherical Kiwis are also extremely lazy. He contends that they can fly but simply lack motivation and choose not too. He argues, “You’ll never see me running but there is a good chance that I could”.

Later on there is a challenge to evolutionists, “Evolution is just a theory”, to test the “Theory of Kiwi Motivation” as summarized below:

  • Requirements: A representative sample of Kiwis, 20 – 30 is suggested, a dump truck and a high cliff.
  • Method: Drive the truckload of Kiwis to a high cliff, dump them over the cliff.
  • Observation: Record how many Kiwis flap their “useless” wings and fly to safety.

For the sake of the tiny Kiwi population it’s imperative that we avoid hordes of evolutionists performing this test. Of course as a Pastafarian I believe that they will fly safely to roost in trees, for the first time, but it’s possible that our deity has made a slight mistake with Kiwi aerodynamics. Unlike many creators he does not claim to be infallible.

Therefore for the sake of all living Kiwis I must ask if any experiment like this, or other tests of motivation, have ever been done and if so what were the results?
Publishing these may save the needless motivation, or worse, of hundreds of Kiwis.

Their response should be considered carefully by Pastafarians and misguided Evolutionists alike:

Here is the Linguini theory of creation turned into Raviolli

If creation occurred 5000 years ago, then the ancient seashell fossils in the rocks of Central Otago must have been put there by the evolutionary army. The coal that has been mined on the West Coast for the last 150 years must have been imported from China and buried there and covered with forests to make it look natural.

Coal formation takes millions of years and it is proven to be the fossilized lycopodium forests of the Carboniferous Period which occurred from about 354 to 290 million years ago during the late Paleozoic Era. . Hence our current problem of releasing ‘greenhouse gases’ into the atmosphere as we dig the stuff up and release it into the atmosphere at an alarming rate.

The ebb and flow of glaciation, marine sedimentary deposition and plate tectonics must have looked like a million super-charged bulldozers given the state of New Zealand currently:

  • The size of Mt Cook and the Southern Alps
  • The geological distribution of various rock types hundreds of kilometers apart from the same source
  • The vegetation cover of New Zealand.

We would have truly been the Shaky Isles! The only thing not moving would have been the moon and stars.

Beech forests have been known to cover certain parts of the islands (pollen records)and then after glaciation retreated, slowly advanced over the ground with their short distance seed dispersion mechanism. If your theory is correct, then the forests must have been turbo charged and leaped over a few mountains to attain their current distribution is such a short time-frame. – If they did not get smacked around by earthquakes and disappearing dinosaurs.

Flying kiwi forebears have long ago decided not to waste their energy on flying.

If the life of a human could be used as an analogy for the evolution of kiwi, then your hypothesis of flying kiwi would be like giving up Rugby at 5 and turning out for the All Blacks at 75 with no training in-between. – You might remember the rules of the game but you wouldn’t be any good at it!

Don’t throw kiwi off cliffs, its not the height that is the problem – It’s the sudden stop at the bottom.


To which I responded:

Thanks for your well-reasoned rebuttal. The apparent age, spread and location anomalies can be easily explained by the influence of the FSM’s invisible Noodly Tentacles. As he says: Evolution is “just a theory”, science is “just a collection of theories”

And got a further response:

Scientific theory is based on a series of incidents that meet % of probability that are generally accepted. If science is a ‘just a theory’ then things like computers would be just a theory and we would be still communicating using smoke signals. Flight itself is a theory that was scientifically reasoned and with the use of fossil fuels, (millions of years old in theory) the age of air transport has become the norm.


So I conclude:

  • Don’t try the Flying Spaghetti Monster Kiwi Motivation test.
  • Save the Apteryx, they need all the help they can get.

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